Psychologists, and those who study human nature tell us that for every strength we exhibit or good personality trait we possess, there is an opposite "shadow" trait that is a part of who we are. This is not something we can change, but rather something we can become aware of, acknowledge, and learn to manage to maintain balance in our lives.

Learning what the shadows are in my life is part of the personal work I have been doing over the past years as I have grown in my understanding of who I am as a pastor and leader. It is also part of the continuing work I want to do while on sabbatical over the next three months. It is valuable work that I want to invite each of us to consider doing in our own lives.

Sometimes, though, shadows in our lives are beliefs that we hold, and beliefs can be changed. Parker J. Palmer, in Let Your Life Speak, writes of five "shadows" that often exist in leaders' lives. If lived with unaware and left unaddressed, these deep, unconscious beliefs can harm the leader and/or others around them. A paraphrase of Palmer's shadows follows.

• 1. I am what I do.
• 2. This is a war - I must fight and win.
• 3. It all depends on me.
• 4. If we manage things perfectly, we won't have to deal with chaos and pain.
• 5. Nothing can fail or die on my watch.

I have to admit that these shadows can often creep into my life, and if I'm honest, I'd have to admit that shadow #3 pops up pretty often. Now of course this is irrational and even silly, yet something inside of me or in my makeup leads me to act as if it is true, especially in my work as pastor.

Think for a moment about your own life. Are any of the above shadows shaping your beliefs or behavior? Do these shadows energize us and give us life, or do they sap our energies and have the possibility of destroying us?

My hope is that during my sabbatical, I can get enough distance from my pastoral role to see if the "I am what I do" shadow is creeping in and getting root. My hope is also that my absence will help the congregation as well become aware of any shadows that have darkened our thinking or distorted our views of who we are and how we are to live together.

I must admit that as our family's sabbatical looms, I have mixed emotions about it. I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity and realize it is a privilege that not all leaders get and that it is a true gift. But at the same time, I can end up worrying about how things will go in my absence, whether my goals for the sabbatical will be realized, whether our time will be effective and productive enough, and on and on...

But then I realize, those are the shadows creeping in, and I want to live in the light and not in the shadows. May we all continue to grow into the light of God and shine that light on the shadows that are present in our lives.

Pastor Carl